OAK PARK, IL – Researchers at the University of Illinois-Chicago announced Tuesday that they have identified a man whose daily commute is somehow worse than yours. The man, Thomas Graham, has spent the past two years commuting from Oak Park to his job as an information technology specialist for Cook County, enduring a combination of minor inconveniences that researchers say have made his commute “statistically more miserable than anyone else’s.”
Every weekday at 8:15 a.m., Graham can be found at the Ridgeland “L” stop with his head buried in his smartphone, playing Candy Crush Saga. Fellow commuter Damian Washington has watched Graham’s routine for years and says he has made almost no progress. “After two years, you think he’d be pretty good at the game, but nah,” Washington said. “He’s stuck on Level 65 and refuses to buy the game’s currency. That’s pretty much his whole morning.” Washington also recalled one occasion when Graham picked up a newspaper sitting on the seat next to him. “I thought he was going to read it, but nah. He was just moving it out of the way.”
Researchers say incidents like this are typical of Graham’s commute, which also includes routinely arriving at the station just in time to watch his train pull away, waiting six minutes for the next one, and finally finding a seat only to discover that it is slightly damp. He also frequently gets stuck behind slow walkers, receives emails from his boss before 9 a.m., and has apparently never had a pair of headphones that were fully charged when he needed them.
“None of these things are particularly terrible on their own,” said UIC sociologist Dr. Melissa Harper, who led the study. “But when you put them together and repeat them five days a week for two years, it becomes a pretty devastating existence.” Researchers say Graham’s commute is now being used as a benchmark for measuring everyday misery, with preliminary findings suggesting that the average American commuter would rather spend an additional 17 minutes in traffic than experience Graham’s morning routine.
Graham’s coworkers say the commute is only the beginning. Ayesha Johnson, an office assistant with Cook County, said Graham follows the same routine once he arrives at work. “That guy is just weird. He does the same thing every day. He eats a ham sandwich in the break room every day. He makes the same jokes about the Cubs losing every day. I don’t trust guys like that. I just try to avoid him.” According to Johnson, that avoidance has taken its own toll. “I still have that damn paperclip assistant because I don’t want him to come work on my computer,” she said. “Whatever. It is what it is.”
Perhaps most troubling, researchers discovered that Graham’s commute home is even worse. “He has to stand for the first three stops,” Harper said. “Then he gets a seat, but the person next to him is eating tuna.” At press time, Graham was reportedly still on Level 65 of Candy Crush, waiting for his train while standing directly behind a man wearing a large backpack.
