SOUTH BEND, IN — Following Notre Dame’s painful 28-24 defeat against BYU in Provo this past weekend, head coach Marcus Freeman officially updated the Fighting Irish depth chart on Monday, confirming that “Touchdown Jesus” currently sits firmly at third string on the quarterback carousel.
Listed on the roster as a 6-foot-2, 4-star prospect out of Bethlehem, Judea, the highly touted signal-caller has shown glimpses of transcendent capability. Scouting services have praised his raw talent and an almost “divine touch” when dropping a deep ball over double coverage. However, despite his celestial arm talent, his trajectory up the depth chart has been hindered by a series of deeply eccentric, unearthly behaviors.
According to Notre Dame football staff, the backup QB routinely vanishes without explanation right in the middle of game-week preparations, only to suddenly resurface exactly three days later act as if nothing happened. Practice attendance has also been an issue: on multiple occasions, coaching staff suspected he was drunk during drills due to his exuberant behavior, but every time they checked his sideline Gatorade bottle, it contained nothing but plain water.
His off-field conduct reached a boiling point during campus club recruitment, when he marched into the Student Activities Fair and violently flipped over the display table for the Investment Club, shouting about how the quad had been turned into a “den of hedge fund managers.”
Equipment managers have also complained about his strict refusal to wear traditional turf cleats, insisting instead on playing in worn leather sandals. During film sessions, he frequently speaks in cryptic parables rather than breaking down coverage schemes—once telling offensive coordinator Mike Denbrock, “He who has ears to hear, let him hear the hot route.” When tasked with running the scout team offense against the starting defense, he reportedly fed the entire 105-man roster and coaching staff during lunch break using only two hot dogs and five stale concession-stand pretzels.
Despite these headaches, Coach Freeman admitted he fought vigorously to bring the Judean prospect on the team flight to LaVell Edwards Stadium in Provo, specifically hoping his supernatural presence would counteract BYU potentially invoking the Ghost of Joseph Smith on key third downs.
“Whenever a team loses, the backup quarterbacks become the most popular guy on campus,” Freeman acknowledged during his weekly press conference while reflecting on the loss to the Cougars. “We love the natural ability he brings to the table, and you can’t deny that heavenly touch on the vertical passing game. But consistency, staying in the building consecutively for more than 72 hours without ascending into the clouds, and respecting university-approved student organization tables are vital parts of our team culture.”
Freeman added that while the offense struggled to finish drives down the stretch in Utah, the third-stringer will remain in his current role for the time being—standing stoically over campus, keeping his arms raised high in the end zone, and offering moral support while the Irish attempt to get their season back on track.
