OMAHA, NE – Nate Wilkinson, the self-proclaimed World’s Biggest Star Wars fan, has revealed that he already hates whatever new show Disney and LucasFilm have been dreaming up.
“It’s safe to say,” he ranted to no one in particular. “That whatever inklings they have in their heads, whatever small seeds of potential creative output that are rattling around, it’s garbage. I don’t need it to get to the idea stage to know that it will be terrible. And I certainly don’t need to actually watch it once it’s been released and formulate my own unique, non-social media ragebait thoughts on it.”
“What could it possibly be?” Wilkinson pondered. “Some female-led nonsense that totally goes against 50 years of established lore? Or, let me guess, some other unknown member of the Skywalker family realizes they have Force powers and totally shatters what was thought to be canon? Or wait, maybe another Jedi who survived Order 66? Never seen that one before!”
Wilkinson, like a lot of other Star Wars, just wants to go back to the good ole days, “Seeing all these new shows just makes me yearn for the time when people actually enjoyed watching these movies and didn’t feel obligated to watch out of some sense of enduring fandom. It used to be that being a Star Wars fan meant celebrating the works of a visionary filmmaker like George Lucas for about a month after A New Hope was released. But now it’s all about hopping on Twitter and shitting on the new project as soon as it’s announced. Giving the trailer the most dislikes in YouTube history. That sort of thing.”
When pressed on whether he would give any new media a chance, Wilkinson was adamant, “People find my lack of faith disturbing. But they just don’t know what it means to be a fan nowadays.”
