LAKE BUENA VISTA, FL – In a not-so-shocking revelation, a recent survey suggests that “getting shitfaced at EPCOT Center and trying to forget why you thought this was a good idea in the first place” remains the best way to survive a Disney vacation.
According to the report, 79% of respondents said that “leaving Dad in Morocco for a while” significantly improved their overall experience. That number jumps to 98% if he is somehow reminded of how much all this costs.
“You walk around the World Showcase in the late afternoon and it’s just a sea of dads staring off into the distance and nursing a beer,” said Janice Sterling, a self-proclaimed Disney enthusiast. “None of them are talking to each other or anyone really. They just take a sip, shake their head, and stare for a while. You’d think they would make an inappropriate comment about one of the Disney princess cast members but nope. Just pounding beers like Gaston would have had he gone to college.”
The report found that EPCOT’s World Showcase was particularly effective at helping parents temporarily forget the logistical nightmare unfolding elsewhere in the park. Among the most commonly cited benefits were “not knowing where the kids are for 11 consecutive minutes,” “having something cold in your hand while checking Genie+,” and “being able to look at a menu without someone asking for chicken nuggets.” Nearly three-quarters of respondents also said that drinking around the World Showcase was “the closest thing to an actual vacation” they experienced during their Disney trip.
When asked for a comment, a Disney spokesperson simply said, “Each Disney trip is different. We’re glad all our guests take the time to stay hydrated. If that’s one beer, or eight in a two-hour span, any money we can get our hands on to feed the insatiable appetite of the Mouse, we will gladly take.”
At press time, researchers were reportedly conducting a follow-up study to determine whether getting drunk at EPCOT or simply leaving the children with Grandma for a week was the more effective method of enjoying a Disney vacation.
