VAN NUYS, CA — In an effort to catalog humanity’s ever-expanding list of erotic oddities, The Collection of Unloved Masses — known publicly as C.U.M. — has released its annual “Freaky or Flaccid” fetish compendium, now topping 1,000 pages.
Speaking from a nondescript office building in the San Fernando Valley while seated on a black leather couch, C.U.M. spokesperson and national face of depravity Jordan Jaxx addressed the press Monday.
“This is by far our girthiest release to date,” said Jaxx proudly, holding up a thick spiral-bound copy. “If it can legally be done with or to another consenting adult — or in some cases, a consenting HVAC unit — it’s probably in here.”
The list, compiled in partnership with researchers at Pasadena City College, aims to validate the overlooked, misunderstood, and downright nasty corners of the human libido.
But C.U.M. has no time for a refractory period. Work on the 2026 list is already underway.
“That’s the beauty of this job,” said Jaxx. “ Invalids, virgins and 42-year-old guys living with their parents are always coming up with new ways of getting off. We have to get back to work because this list was obsolete about an hour after it was published .”
