EDEN PRAIRIE, MN — Local telemarketer and recently humbled bachelor party attendee Derrick Racine has come back from Las Vegas with a new outlook on life, love, and what he calls “clinically minor” consequences.
“We’ve been thinking about STDs all wrong,” Racine announced at a backyard barbecue where nobody asked. “If you catch one, it means you got laid. And if it clears up with a pill, that’s not a tragedy!”
Racine, 32, spent four days in Las Vegas celebrating his friend’s final days of freedom and allegedly all four of the city’s most questionable zip codes.
“He came back different,” said Sharon Davis, Racine’s cubicle neighbor at Northridge Financial. “He’s been calling it a ‘spiritual awakening.’ I overheard him say on the phone, ‘She was Puerto Rican. We don’t even have those here.’ He’s not wrong. Honestly, I think it’s great he’s broadening his horizons.”
Not everyone shares Racine’s newfound enthusiasm for risk and rash.
“That boy got gonorrhea,” said Darnell Watson, friend and fellow partygoer. “Apparently, accepting a flyer from an illegal outside White Castle at 2 a.m. can, in fact, lead to The Clap. Who knew? Oh wait — literally everyone.”
Pressed for comment on his possible diagnosis, Racine declined to confirm, citing “patient privacy” and a vague reference to HIPAA, which he may or may not understand.
Watson, however, offered a more vivid metaphor: “Having sex with a ho is like swimming with sharks. Use the cage — you’ll probably be fine. Go in raw? You’re either dead or a Discovery Channel special.”
As for Racine, he says the trip taught him valuable life lessons.
