GOTHAM CITY – The prestigious Gotham Henchmen Institute (GHI) welcomed its largest-ever class of foot soldiers on Sunday. An ever-growing demand for expendable foes has led a multitude of the area’s deranged, psychotic, and overly obedient to further their education at the Extended Universe’s top school for scoundrels. No doubt many of the record number of thugs received their fingerless gloves and lead pipes with hopes that they might be the one to finally take out a superhero.
The school’s legendary president, Robert ‘Bob the Goon’ Hawkins, attributes the rise in enrollment to Gotham City’s economic conditions as well as the exceptional crime fighting success of the Justice League of America, “So far, we’ve been able to keep up the numbers and poor quality we’re known for,” he said. “GHI is placing more dimwitted bad guys with classic rogues such as Two-Face, Bane, and the Riddler than ever before. In fact, the top-rated Joker’s Wild Bunch boasts more ‘Thug U’ graduates than any other nefarious training program.”
Since the academy’s establishment in 1939, each student has undergone two years of intense evil training. All graduates learn classic techniques such as: walking back and forth in a set pattern, guarding a strategic location for hours on end, as well as having the patience to take on masked vigilantes one grunt at a time.
Guest lecturers at the Institute are also a common occurrence. This year, Professor SN-5114, a stormtrooper visiting from the Imperial Academy, taught Marksmanship 101. One of GHI’s longest standing traditions is the requirement for all trainees to shoot at no better than 1% accuracy.
Hawkins additionally took the time to announce that No-Name Lackey had won the esteemed ‘My Number 2 Guy’ award after graduating top of the class. “Evildoing just runs in my blood,” the generic street tough said. “I’ve always dreamed of being effortlessly dispatched ever since I was a kid. Once I saw footage of Robin punching a giant ‘POW!’ out of my grandfather’s jaw, I knew I’d join the family business.”
“My dissertation tried to answer the existential questions that surround whether a henchman should ever give up information on the whereabouts of their villain,” the unremarkable stooge added. “I essentially argued that a goon should initially refuse to provide any intelligence on the location or plans of their boss. But after an escalation of aggression on the part of the hero, such as dangling off a rooftop or taking a few more blows to the head, giving in to the defender’s demands isn’t only warranted, it’s expected.”
“Now that I’m officially a minion,” Lackey beamed. “I’m beyond excited to ultimately fail whatever heel conscripts me into their mob. I just can’t wait to start terrorizing innocents and mindlessly carrying out orders.”
With the Penguin still at-large and news that Mr. Freeze has again escaped from Arkham Asylum, it appears as though he won’t have to wait long.
