TOLEDO, OH — A local man reportedly underwent a dramatic overnight transformation after accepting a sales position at a used car dealership, waking up Tuesday with a comb-over, a thin mustache, and an inexplicable urge to stand a bit too close when conversing with anyone.
Greg Madsen, 42, said he went to bed Monday with a thick, healthy hairline and woke up the next morning with several wispy strands of hair stretched across his bald spot in what experts described as “a deeply committed attempt to fool absolutely no one.”
“I looked in the mirror and thought, ‘Huh, that’s different,’” said Madsen, who had accepted a position at Buck’s Bargain Motors the previous afternoon. “Then I noticed I was standing with my hands on my hips, and I’d somehow developed opinions about credit scores.”
By Wednesday, Madsen had traded his usual clothes for a polyester suit and begun referring to his personal vehicle, a 1979 Ford Pinto with mismatched doors, as “a real head-turner.” He reportedly spent the morning explaining to coworkers that the car had “character” and “a lot of life left in it,” despite its tendency to make a noise he described as “probably nothing.”
The transformation became apparent to Madsen’s friends later that evening, when one called to discuss their fantasy football lineup. Before his friend could finish explaining a potential trade, Madsen reportedly interrupted to ask what it would take to get him into a 2007 Chrysler Sebring Convertible.
“I just wanted to know if I should start my flex player,” said the friend. “Suddenly, Greg was asking me how much I was paying per month on my current vehicle and whether I’d considered driving something with a little more excitement. I don’t even own a car. Yeah, I’m one of those guys.”
Madsen allegedly spent the next several minutes describing the Sebring’s “premium open-air experience,” its “head-turning styling,” and a financing arrangement that he assured his friend would “practically pay for itself.” When asked why he was trying to sell a car to someone who had called to talk about football, Madsen reportedly replied, “I’m not trying to sell you anything. I’m just trying to find out what it would take.”
Dealership manager Ron Buck said Madsen’s rapid adjustment to the profession was “exactly what we look for in a salesman,” adding that the new hire had already demonstrated a willingness to approach strangers, exaggerate the condition of aging vehicles, and describe minor mechanical problems as “easy fixes.”
At press time, Madsen had reportedly begun referring to his Pinto’s mismatched doors as a “custom two-tone package” and was attempting to convince his mother that the family sedan she had driven for 11 years was “starting to look a little dated.”
