CHICAGO, IL – Retro is in! But that doesn’t mean you can be out at this newly announced 90s-insipired barcade. Riding a seemingly never-ending wave of millennial nostalgia, The Neon Nexus is pulling out all the stops to give customers an authentic ’90s experience. The new venture issued the following press release:
Grab your quarters, a Starter jacket, and some checkerboard Vans! The Neon Nexus is all that… and a bag of chips! Get ready to go back to everyone’s favorite decade now that it’s firmly behind us… the ’90s!
Located in Chicago’s Wicker Park neighborhood, this retro barcade will offer all the Zima we could get our hands on as well as an extensive collection of classic arcade cabinets.
Mortal Kombat, Street Fighter, NBA Jam, and X-Men have already been confirmed as opening-day launch titles, with more on the way. No expense is spared and no detail is too small. We’re giving you the totally rad, full ’90s experience!
Enjoy classic snacks like Dunkaroos, Gushers, and Pudding Pops. Drinks will be served in those red, pebbled tumblers you’d find at Pizza Hut. Zenith TVs will alternate between classic Jordan-era Bulls games and CNN’s over-the-top coverage of the O.J. Simpson trial. But most importantly, a ‘Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell’ policy will be strictly enforced!
Not that there’s anything wrong with that, but if we catch you showing any kind of same-sex affection, there will be repercussions! Those violating this policy will be thrown (back) into a closet and be forced to watch scrambled straight porn from the Spice Channel for one hour. For every can of Surge you chug, we’ll reduce your time by 15 minutes. This ridiculous plan is something we are 100%, definitely going to do… not!
But if you’re looking for beer before the craft boom, pizza that’s infringing on the copyright of a certain rodent, and great (platonic) friends, then let’s get it crackalackin’! We can’t wait to raise the roof on this shiznit.
Neon Nexus will open in Spring 2027. Be there or talk to the hand.
Later skaterz.
